heart

100T0831-lucy

It’s Valentine’s Day again. Social media is of course flooded with all kinds of related memes, posts, comments and messages. Too much of it is sappy, and just irrelevant to this Autistic Bunny. But the circus is unavoidable, unless one lives in a hole under a rock (not a bad thing, really, apart from the lack of modern sanitation). So… here are my own thoughts for the day… Continue reading

free

IMG_0626w

grace eats

It’s not a perfect situation. Not even near best or ideal. We are staying with a new friend, an elderly gentleman and his elderly dog. The smell of old decaying rubber from fifty-year-old threadbare carpet caked with dust bunnies and dog fur eats into the fragile fabric of my olfactory consciousness. The mess is indescribable. But there is kindness and acceptance. And I will help address the living chaos once this thesis is submitted.

Grace is free. Does not ride on fluffy clouds of feel-good sympathy. Just simple trust, especially that the tattered rug will not be pulled from under foot, with no alternatives left but to jump into the abyss

It’s not a luxurious lunch, the batter was soggy, but it was gentle and warm.

Four days more to go. Tally ho, Bunny and Lucy!

accommodations

IMG_0463w reduced

Accommodating grace, graciously accommodating.

This post is in response to yet another powerful piece of thinking by Judy Endow. Read it here: Autism, Accommodation and Differential Expectations.

Ah, accommodations… Sometimes, people make accommodations for me, announced with a warm fuzzy glow, and then suddenly withdraw them because it’s no longer comfortable for them to continue, and leave me to fend for myself without offering me any other alternatives. In the meantime, I am making accommodations for them all the time, being grateful, showing gratitude as best as I can, taking into account their own neurodiversity quirks, and, yes, even in the way I do not rant and scream when said promised accommodations are abruptly withdrawn. It is very very tiring, making accommodations for anyone, but the Endeavour of Empathy is important. We must not stop endeavouring, though let’s not forget that the endeavour is to Self as much as to Other. We autists struggling to survive this terrain need to remember that empathy is for Self too, because so often the demands of normative social constructs say we must do otherwise, and so we do. Continue reading

susurrus

Rustling. Eyelashes and whiskers brushing against pillow case. Soft breath, inhaling, exhaling.

Forrid to forrid. Soft silken velvet. Warm vanilla. A twitch of the ear. A little nose wriggle. Did she smell something in her sleep?

Light shuffles, a paw reaches out and curls over my shoulder. My arm gently rests on her magnificent chest. I feel the rise and fall. I can hear her powerful heart.

Her svelte head shudders, nuzzling closer against my face. Tiny whimpers caught inside the belly of a powerful, large, yet ever so gentle beast.

Yes, the other animal in my bed. Apart from me, of course. She is the gentler one.

Continue reading

familiar songs

avocado variation

avocado variation

Avocado for dinner tonight. Inspired by a good friend’s Facebook post – a photo of avocado halves arranged neatly on her kitchen table, awaiting transformation into delicious vegan ice cream! Well, I only have one left from the original duo, so I made a savoury meal. The same old same old theme of anchovy, tomato, onion, olive oil and wasabe. This time, the variation consisted of two slices of lightly toasted bread, cut into strips for easy eating (yes, the ulcers are still a pain) and a dollop of marmalade, for variety of taste and texture.

Continue reading

karmic clemency

My very first full meltdown in five years happened yesterday. It was after a very long and distressing day. I felt caught inside an insidious web of deceit and manipulation, spun out by one very clever pathological liar, and at the same time pressed against the burning furnace by having to mop up someone else’s mess.

So, here it is. An expression of my own need to vocalise, as well as a reflection of how the autistic mind can become tangled inside a web of deceit that may be simple to the neurotypical mind. It is not a complaint or rant against another person, even if that person is so very very wrong. It is also not meant to derogate people with mental disorders. Quite the opposite. But at the same time, we must never use our struggles as excuses for harming others. If you have a child or friend who is autistic, this might give you an insight into our approach to goodness, kindness, our fallibility, vulnerability and quite alarming lack of neurotypical Theory of Mind, yet hopefully, you may witness some of our strength and perseverance too. Continue reading