clement space in the city

IMG_6234-sofa-bed

I spent the last few nights and days in this sofa, positioned right next to the loo. For safety, because I nearly fell down the winding stairs connecting to the loft bed. And for convenience, in case I had to throw up. A good thing I am short, but still, I have not laid down properly in a bed, stretched out, for this entire time. Continue reading

support

This article is gold. It describes my own struggle succinctly without fanciful embellishment.

Here, in this video, Sonia gives an excellent summary of what I am facing right now. Thank you. This is why I keep reiterating the need for support and concrete help, though the neurotypical world tends not to understand the import of need, because they see only the autist’s ability to function pretty remarkably in the normative realm, and hence the juxtaposed disabilities are not discernible to the normative way of perceiving and analysing information.

In short, the world does need all kinds of minds!

benign horror

IMG_1894tennisballs-long

Tennis, anyone?

My brain… my brain… it is exploding and imploding at the same time. Here’s another MontyPython+AntoninArtaud scenario – an almost daily delight at present. 🙂

NTX: “I’m going to the shops now. Would you like me to get anything for you?”

AUTB: “That’s very kind but no thank you, I am going to organise my own food from now on, remember our long conversation this morning about making a clear demarcation so we can both practice taking care of our own needs?”

NTX: “Yes, yes, I remember, I know, I know… but what about some mince or something?”

AUTB: “No thanks, I do not eat mince of any kind.”

NTX: “Oh, ok. See ya!”

An hour later…

NTX: “Hey, guess what I got you? Some mince!”

AUTB: “Um, I thought I told you not to buy me anything?”

X: “Yeah, but I thought you’d like some mince!”

AUTB: “But I told you I do not eat mince of any kind. I said it at least 5 times.”

NTX: “Yeah, I know you said it, but I thought maybe you’d like some mince anyway.”

AUTB: “Sorry, friend, but no I mean what I say and I don’t eat mince. But I will email you some recipes for it so you can cook it for yourself, ok?”

NTX: “Oh, ok, but I thought you’d want some mince.”

AUTB: “No, I don’t eat mince of any kind. Sorry for saying it over and over again, I don’t mean to sound rude, but really, I mean what I say or I won’t say it. Words are costly to me.”

NTX: “Oh, ok. I just thought you might want some mince.”

AUTB: “No thanks, it was kind of you but no I do not want any mince. Thanks.”

Continue reading

distance

Performing the unnatural as naturally as possible. That is the demand that neurotypicality places upon autistic existence. Little wonder that we would much rather be in a world of our own.

A peaceful day at last. No interruptions, no farcical social intrusions. Simple bacon and egg sandwich breakfast, walkies with my Princess, silent conversation, another pork roast experiment, more coffee, and work. Continue reading

dissimulation

I detest hypocrisy. Yet, sadly, over and over, I find myself resorting to shameful and disgusting pretense just to live ‘comfortably’ within the constructs of prevalent social constructs. All in the name of being ‘socially correct’ and not ‘rocking the boat.’ There are too many examples of this tiresome practice to cite in this one blog post, suffice to say all of them emanate from the miry tangled depths of the complex, gaseous-fluid nebulous neurotypical social system. Continue reading

Self and Other – a better way?

The video above features Ralph Savarese speaking about his research in the area of Neurocosmopolitanism – Autism, Empathy and the Trope of Personification. As I read this excellent article on the ASAN website today, my mind meandered back to this video and its content. The ASAN article is an excellent response to the study mentioned, about ‘normalising’ of autism (Fein, D., Barton, M., Eigsti, I.-M., Kelley, E., Naigles, L., Schultz, R.T….Tyson, K. (213). Optimal outcome in individuals with a history of autism. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 54, 195-205).

As someone who would most definitely fall into the category of “recovered” and “optimal outcome” according to the Cure-Brigade, studies such as these deeply disturb me at the most fundamental level of my sentient existence. Continue reading

heteroclite

Monday Luncheon

Monday Luncheon

Today is the first day in a week that I feel myself climbing out of the abyss of mental frustration and physical pain. Well, the pain is still there, though the screams have softened into mere staccato expletives while in the act of eating and drinking. I had a relatively clement luncheon of roast pork and tomato salsa with rice, and I finished the last two lemon cupcakes. That is an achievement indeed. I am also in the midst of writing up the proposal for my upcoming exhibition. This, to me, is really good news indeed, some work at last!

My thought for the morning was a poignant quote from this post in Emma’s Hope Book:

The things that are being said, all those recommended check lists and the questions asked by all those autism organizations and experts are encouraging us to teach our children that they are the problem.   We are raising a population of children who are internalizing the awful message given to them…  Our children, who will grow up to be Autistic adults, are getting this message from almost everyone they come into contact with from the moment they are given the diagnosis.  It is a message that is hurting our children and hurts all Autistic people.  Our children, whatever their neurology hear it,and those who have internalized it may go on to deliver it too.  It is up to us to change the message.

Ask a parent what they want most for their children and most will say, “Happiness.”  Yet so much of what we are told about autism and our Autistic children is ensuring the opposite outcome.

Continue reading

exploitation

Exploitation happens everywhere, any place where there are humans. We are quite the experts on this. From small scale efforts in families and among ‘friends,’ all the way to big businesses in the ‘free’ economy (and the not-so-free). Personal relationships, office politics, ‘pettybooboo’ stuff, and mega power plays. We are mired in exploitation – we exploit as well as are exploited every step of our existence.

My autistic brain prefers to focus on the small details, noticing every fine nuance within the narrow sphere. The global processing style of the wider neurotypical population veers towards the bigger picture, and often missing out on the important details. It isn’t that either of our neuro-cultures are incapable of seeing the opposite way, it is just an innate neurological predilection. But we can and must train our brains to perceive from all sides of the perceptual spectrum.

What is this about, then, Bunny?

Pet food and pet treats. Continue reading