stillness

Stillness. Tranquility. Quiet contemplation. Sonorous repose.

Much needed especially in sensorially chaotic times like Christmas, New Year and other festive seasons.

Too much noise, too much food, too much smell, too much light, too much human interaction… just too much of everything, no matter how lovely, can easily derail the autistic with hypersensitivity.

My head is pounding and my muscles tense from all the pre-Christmas preparations and mini celebrations ahead of time. I love to see people enjoying themselves and I like the sound of laughter, but too much is too much and my senses start to scream.

Nevertheless, I do look forward to spending the next three days at our family holiday chalet together with the extended gang. This lot are cheery and easygoing, they do not insist on making me or anyone else join in their raucous goings-on. There is no oppressive social demand to sit at the table and silently cry into one’s soup while pretending to keep up with the meaningless babble. Two Christmases ago, that was what I was doing, entertaining wave after wave of superficial, self-important people in a fancy but not really classy apartment in prime location by the sea. I was the general dogsbody, locked inside a tedium dictated by charity. No more of that social rubbish. With this lot now, the food is always great – they are super foodies – and all that is required of me, mandatory, in fact, is that I turn up at meal times to eat. I am not even needed for small talk. So, the noise can be pretty daunting, but one unpleasant sensory bombardment in exchange for another delicious one, that is more than fair enough for this Foodie Bunny!

And Lucy has brought me a long, long, way indeed. Now, I have a Canine Angel. Non-speaking, elemental connectivity, no need for prattle and babble. Lucy is my Clement Space. My little nook for repair, restoration and refreshment. There will be lots of ‘alone-time’ with Lucy at our chalet in the suburbs. We can go for walks on our own, something I haven’t done much of since returning ‘home’. But now, I need to pack. The Angel needs her food. Oh, don’t forget to bring the Christmas Doggy Cookies!

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broken angel

IMG_3365lucyzz-portrait

an angel’s trust

once betrayed

how soon

if ever

to win again?

rage deflected

fell

a deafening thud

upon innocence

blow once dealt

cannot be rescinded

how contemptible

such horror this?

devil’s mischief

humanity’s defeat

heartbreaking cry

angel’s grief

sleep now

my sweet

rock-a-bye babe

human tears

are made of folly

dear sweet angel

i have failed

your love

so undeserved

yet pleading

forgive me

my disgraceful

humanity

someone

Someone to Watch Over Me

It’s not easy bobbing around on the surface of Scheherazade’s Sea. Sensory challenges are a huge feature, contributing to 90% of my existential struggle. However, if I was asked if I would give up my autistic embodiment for a life without piercing acuity of this nature, my answer would be a very vehement and resonant, “Of course NOT!” The 10% of wonderment is indescribably precious: so intense and rich in its tapestry and multidimensional juxtapositions, that realm is what many people can only refer to in dreams and fictitious stories, yet it is reality for me. And I have Someone watching over me for this part of the journey – an Angel Hound! Continue reading

seraphim & cherubim

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I am no expert, but these represent to me the two highest orders of angels in traditional Christian angelology – probably inherited from ancient Middle Eastern celestial mythology? Anyway, they are stuck in my mind like little neon post-it notes today.

In the almost ridiculously ironic tapestry of juxtapositions that is my life now, I am surrounded by angels of myriad manifestations. Continue reading

adorn

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I want to adorn you

with precious jewels

emeralds deepest green

brilliant cut diamonds

rubies liquid red

ancient burning amber

the colour of your eyes

but

all I have

are baubles

glass, wood and clay

clumsily strung together

so unbefitting

my gentle regal Angel

who needs no garland

baubles or jewels

I shall enwrap you

in my Love

(2014 06 19)

rupture

5am, my Angel wakes me with a soft, gentle enquiring noise. A baby whimper. That is my alarm clock. An angel, bringing kisses and cuddles to open up the day.

But Anxiety reached into our idyllic space and battled to engulf me, swallow whole my mind and soul. My angel fought alongside, sensing my fear yet remaining unchanged, her love and trust anchoring me always in the present, wrapping me inside her unflinching fidelity.

Breakfast. I need a hearty breakfast to help me get through the morning. Mashed banana, oatmeal, egg – pancakes! Coconut milk and marmalade topping. Gobbled up in haste, I don’t really remember the taste, except that I don’t like the crumbly texture.

My iCal buzzed a warning. I had remembered the time wrongly. My appointment at the hospital for the test is an hour earlier than I thought. Anxiety mounts. I rush to get ready. I worry about leaving my Angel behind, I worry about bringing her along. What if? What if? Continue reading

ichthyo synchrony

My friend Rick came over for another of our Saturday bruncheons. His visits are always welcome, and ever so politely brief. Today, I was running a fever, and didn’t feel like eating, but I did manage to have a great time rambling anyway (while Rick ate whatever was on offer with true sporting spirit! 🙂 ).

I put together two more DIY pizzas – the pita bread is still sitting in my fridge, what better way to use some up? Half a green capsicum and half an aubergine, both from my Thoughtful Foods veggie and fruit box (two weeks ago!). And of course, some of that smoked salmon, which I had placed into separate ziplock bags and stored in the freezer. Continue reading