deliciate

Deliciate: to delight oneself; to indulge (in feasting or other revels)

Old words fascinate me. And this one is a timely balm to a fractured, frayed and frazzled soul. (Yes, I also love alliteration. Part of my sensory ‘stimming’ – calming, even if just for the rhythmic enunciative physical qualities.)

This is one old word that I’m longing to luxuriate in.

Sometimes, the cosmos interferes vigorously, even sharply, for my own good, especially when I have been self-destructively obtuse, obstinate and obscurant – inwardly – denying what ought to be glaringly obvious, covering my ears to the roaring whispers of ratiocination. A knock on the head was needed to wake me from my self-induced somnambulism. This thunder-clap on my thick skull came from a remark made by an autistic man, expressing an utterly selfish viewpoint with foot-stomping petulance and digging in of the heels with so much defensiveness that it was almost bizarre. I was shocked and disappointed at first, but I realise now that, inside a deeper consciousness, I already and always knew this side of him. I had merely been blinded by my enthusiastic hope that the person would change, that I could make a difference in this person’s attitude and learning journey.

On another level, I am sad that he did not even discern that my advice to him would actually serve to advance his own (albeit selfish) cause even further if he took it on board. Sometimes, we need to do some things that seem a waste of time, in order to gain other things, which may be less immediately tangible. When I offered that piece of advice, I was referring to proper protocol and professionalism, not selflessness. But who knows what really goes on in people minds, autistic or not? It was my own error of judgement that led me to this feeling of shock and disappointment, and I own it honestly. The person did not change, and is unlikely to change. My very first, immediate and direct sensing of him was absolutely accurate after all – I just deluded myself into thinking otherwise. My bad entirely. And it is timely that I am forced to detach and back away. Any later and I’d be not only more burnt out from all the time, energy and resources spent on a thankless mission, but worse than that I’d be inextricably bound to someone whose ideology is vastly contrasting to mine. For example, it would be professional self-destruction to be seen by the world as endorsing a product I do not firmly believe in, and which has potential to go rogue.

Anyway… I am relieved and pleased now. What is of import to me is that this served to tear apart the heavy veil that I had been erstwhile enshrouded in, and allowed my soul to emerge into the light.

A process in the making, but it took a small, innocuous rending to break forth, but the details of which need to be unpacked in another musing, not this one. Right now, I just want to dwell on healing and restoration, which the last five days at the SYNC Leadership Programme has galvanised and propelled me towards.

What are the things that heal my soul? What are my cosmic and intimate priorities?

Cast aside the inutile to-ings and fro-ings that tear apart fragile refined tapestries – it is Time to indulge and revel in little appogiatura and melismatic undulations once more.

Simple things – little details and observations.

 

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Edible things – because I love food!

 

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Time-tested things – appreciating loyalty, trust and connectedness.

 

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Lucy Like-a-Charm and all things Lucy – my lifeline.

 

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finale – SYNC Day 5

Enabling Village

Signposting…

Day 5 of the SYNC programme came and went. The going was at times ponderous, because the body was weak and felt like a sack of potatoes, trudging, groaning, creaking and sighing. But I was a tad sad that time had passed so quickly.

I did not bring Lucy, because I had a dinner appointment later that day, and the long hours would be too much for her. But I missed her terribly – it was visibly hard for me to get through the day without her. Our programme coach and instructor remarked that the difference in me was obvious.

There was much learning, pondering and reflecting – but I will not delve into that here. These little snippets are sensory-focused, they are about my sensory experiences of SYNC.

Here are the few photos I took on Friday. No Lucy, so not much inspiration left.

This amazing thing belongs to one of the artists.

Sweetie Pie.

Those crunchy balls were delish!

Very substantial bento lunch box.

Food. There was a lot of food. Thanks to Maureen and the kind folk from Very Special Arts (VSA). One artist brought their retired guide dog – she is a lovely sweetheart, but such a huge contrast from Lucy’s still, quiet, regal poise. There was a bit of to-ing and fro-ing settling the dog down, and occasional froufrou noises generally made by the owner telling the dog to calm down, which actually stirred the air so much that it had the opposite effect on the poor dog. Methinks some basic dog handling 101 (training) is needed here, for the human, not the dog. At one moment, I walked by and the darling dog got out from her ‘tuck’ position under the table, sat on my feet and leaned resolutely against me, refusing to budge. Anyone who understands some basic doggy body language would know what that meant. My heart goes out to the dog each time I see her. But the smell… I cannot deal with stinky dogs. So very very sorry, darling.

I was a little sad that the week went by so quickly, even though I was already exhausted right at the beginning, and nearly fainted from fatigue twice on Friday afternoon.

Enabling Village is a beautiful place – despite its tacky and almost inappropriately ableist name. We were welcomed every morning by the friendly security people – especially Lucy, which is a marked difference from most other places in Singapore. When I arrived on Friday without Lucy, the lovely men asked me where she was and why I didn’t bring her. One of them whipped out their mobile phone and showed me the photograph that he’d taken of Lucy the day before, on Thursday. They kept saying how beautiful she is, and how still, calm and gentle. I should come here more often with Lucy, perhaps?

The village is a strange place, in other ways, though. Heavy doors make it difficult, if not impossible, for people in wheelchairs to get through on their own. Mirrors in the ladies’ toilet are positioned so high that people in wheelchairs can only see half their reflections. There is no soap dispenser in the disability toilet – do they think that disabled people don’t need to use soap to wash their hands? There are no electric outlets in the training room – how do they expect disabled people with electronic devices to charge their equipment when using the training rooms for long periods of time? And the big bugbear I have? There is no quiet or calm room for people with disabilities – only a “carer’s pod” for carers!!! Isn’t this place for and about people with disabilities?

Sigh.

Nevertheless, having something like Enabling Village at all is a big step in the right direction for Singapore, I guess, though it also shows very starkly that we really do have a very long way more to go.

si bon, si bon! – SYNC Day 3

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Day 3 of SYNC.

I am not going to talk about the course itself, but will just prattle away about my sensory experience. So, be prepared for fragments, bits and bobs, and gyrations going hither tither without much finesse.

I didn’t get enough sleep last night, so arrived with puffy eyes and even puffier face. I found a blob of doggy poop in the grass when Lucy was doing her own toilette, and I picked it up. I didn’t want people to think it was Lucy’s, so we trotted back to the security post at the entrance to have a little chat. Turns out that some people do bring their dogs here. Most inconsiderate of these dog owners, though. I cannot understand why people ruin pleasant environments and then complain that there aren’t enough dog friendly spaces around. For Lucy and me, it is such a relief that the security staff here are super friendly and welcoming. They remembered us from the last time. They even took photos of Miss Lucy to show their friends and family. One of them showed me pictures of his Dachshund too. It’s a somewhat tacky name, where our SYNC programme is being held, “Enabling Village“, but it’s turned out to be a sweet, gentle space for us.

Well, my creaky old body wasn’t very cooperative today, it decided that pain would be the punishment for the punishment. Never mind. A small price to pay for a push in the right direction. It’s not that I am learning anything revolutionary, but I really like that this course is framing everything neatly without breaking my already exhausted brain. Very useful for when I need to ponder kinks in the tapestry every now and then.

Oh, yes, I like that we have frequent breaks and there’s decent food – it’s not lavish five-star hotel banquet fare, but it all sits well in the depths of digestion. The effort taken by organisers really adds to my appreciation too – we even have afternoon fruits served up washed and cut!

Things do get a tad noisy at times – artists are passionate folk – and my head hurts from the loud, exuberant chatter, but the cacophony is never aggressive. Perhaps I’ll make use of the quiet room tomorrow.

Another little ‘clemency’ is the grass patch just outside our seminar room. It’s lovely just being able to take Lucy outside for little strolls during break times – harkens back just a teeny weeny little bit to our days in Sydney, where we’d go for a toilet break and a stretch every so often during the course of our day working at our studio on campus. Nowadays, every small association is precious – that was a time and space in our life that we will never have the chance to revisit together. It is now imperative that I cherish every new unfolding moment we share, as the sense of urgency grows.

No more throwing my hard won pearls into the bog of snarling, grabbing, self-serving gnashers. The recent wake-up call was timely.

C’est si bon!

Lucy in sync – SYNC Day 2

I spy, with my beady eye???

It was Day 2 today. I am glad I brought Lucy. She alerted me to my nausea and dizziness when the room became a tad stuffy.

Being in a room with fellow artists with disability is in itself a daring and provocative thing – but this kind of provocation is good. We – by our combined presence – challenge one another and the collective whole to reflect, identify and frame our practice of leadership.

I am exhausted, but yet refreshed and energised at the same time. And Lucy created Clement Space beside me.

Photographs from Day 2:

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in sync – SYNC Day 1

My autistic brain wanted to rearrange this, but my sensory overload just ate it instead.

Syncopating synchronicity. A homecoming. Returning to grace. Active, inspiriting, body-mind-soul connecting with intrinsic approbation.

Yesterday was the first of five days of rigorous physical andragogy. No, I am not training for a Iron Man, but it did feel like it to my old body, floppy with misuse and pushed beyond the limits, running helter skelter for purposes not directly beneficial to me.

I am one of a group of artists in the SYNC Leadership Programme, brought to Singapore by the British Council, Singapore International Foundation, Very Special Arts and collaborating supporters.

When an eclectic collection of highly-charged, dynamic and tenacious artists with disabilities cram into a small room together, a different kind of ‘normal’ is constructed. Our artistry is varied, each vastly dissimilar from the other, as are our personalities, backgrounds, styles and art forms. Yet, we are connected by the intoxicating electric charge of Artistry and all this encompasses in its multifaceted expressions.

The gruelling demands on my body were partially mitigated by the gastronomic infusions – plentiful, yet not so overwhelmingly lavish that my sensory brain is driven into a state of confused shock. Simple, straight forward and manageable abundance.

And I cannot describe with words right now how exquisitely, incorruptibly peaceful – yet almost Lucullan in its graceful gestures – this is to my soul. I am looking forward eagerly, despite the physical punishment, to the next few days. Scheherazade is rising yet again.

Sensory photos from Day 1.

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WTF is #Neurodiversity?

Everyone is jumping on the Neurodiversity Bandwagon these days. How can we pick out the gold from the dross? Here is a Golden essay by Alex Forshaw. Read this and ponder.

My Autistic Dance

Neurodiversity seems like a big thing right now, but what is it all about? And what’s with all the various neuro-this and neuro-that?

Neurodiversity

I’ll do the easy bit first: neurodiversity is the simple, observable fact that human minds are different from each other. Just like the variety of living organisms, which we call biodiversity. Same thing, only we’re talking about brains rather than plants and animals.

Neurodiversity by itself doesn’t say whether or not this is a good thing: it’s a neutral term that describes what we see when we observe human minds.

So what?

If that was the end of the story this would be a really short essay and you’d wonder why I even bothered writing about it. The fun starts when you pick up the neurodiversity ball and run with it. When you start asking yourself what it means, both for societies…

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out of whack

Fluffy

After three full-on gruelling days, APAC19 (Asia Pacific Autism Conference 2019) is over. It was an amazing and even sometimes exhilarating event – a first of its kind in Singapore where actual autistic people permeated all but the very top mesosphere at an autism event. 1,800 people gathered in the massive Resorts World Convention Centre all with the common goal of learning more about Autism and how autistic persons and those around us can best thrive.

I wrote a mini summary here, and uploaded some of my own photos, so go check it out.

Now to face the aftermath of all that dizzy positivity: my sensory system has been thrown completely off kilter, of course. Which autistic person doesn’t understand what I mean? Not one, I’d wager, though the specifics may be different for each individual.

For me, I’ve developed an insatiable appetite – it’s my mouth, my tastebuds and olfactory nerves all going chomp-chomp-chomp without care for or connection with the rest of my body. The brain is craving sensory comfort so much that it doesn’t want to acknowledge the other sensations like, well, a too-full stomach. I’m having trouble with my own physical signalling, as if I shall float away if I didn’t firmly anchor myself somewhere and somehow.

Oh, and the insomnia is deafening. I can hear everything whirring in randomly orchestrated high-pitched pretentious screech-fest in my headspace. Tones and microtones meandering, crossing, greeting, clashing, intertwining and looping.

And those bizarre lights at the convention centre, they’re gyrating and creating a bit of drama. My eyes have not stopped hurting since – I can feeling the muscles tensely squeezing around the eye socket – and my vision is blurry.

I need Clement Space. In bed now, listening to Lucy’s breath, softly undulating, her warmth emanating so reassuringly.

I must attempt to sleep now. Good night, Every Bunny!

angel

angel (June 2019)

Listening
Whirring fridge
A-flat
Human laughter in the wind
Slightly off C
Sudden dull thuds
Quickened heartbeat
A flash of white
Searing fear
Sirens scream
Inside the cavity
Of acid green
What is that smell?
Nebulous, acrid
Footsteps pounding
Headspace resounds
Broken B
Chairs dragged
Across cheap tile
Shattered F-sharp
Quivering interstice
And then amidst the chaos
Here in my bed
An angel’s breath
Comforts me

(9 June 2014)

pancakes & jelly beans

 

Seafood Horfun @ Casa Verde, Botanics

Big fat burger @ Casa Verde, Botanics

Ham & pineapple pizza @ Casa Verde, Botanics

I don’t know why my brain produced that title. There are no pancakes or jelly beans in any of my photographic offerings here today. The words were just echoing inside, wriggling and jiggling among the other bits and bobs, and so I decided I’d let them out to dance around. Perhaps something to do with switching modes from the ‘seriousness’ of advocacy etc to the now ‘lighthearted’ topic of food and friendships?

Food is an integral part of fellowship for humans, methinks. I miss our weekend noshment adventures with friend Rick, mostly in Paddo, though he did travel to Kensington for the dire period when Lucy and I were trapped in that not so suitable environment. And of course, when we were forced to move to awful Rose Bay, Rick valiantly came to our mental rescue. Thanking the cosmos for really great friendships, without them I’d not have preserved even this little semblance of my ability to function!

clement Saturday

Too hot for walks, mumma!

Today, I woke up somewhat off-kilter. Lucy was unfortunately in sync with me and didn’t even want to go out walking in the early morning. The heat this month has been really depressing. Too much to-ing and fro-ing in the last few days, methinks. Sensory overload happens even when I am enjoying myself. I have a headache, sore throat, and there’s something not quite right along my nasal passages. I just want to be with my Lucy. The family have gone out for lunch and grocery shopping: the two little fluffies in their bright green buggy and mum in her super Wheelie (we call mum’s wheelchair the Wheelie), my sister, brother-in-law and their helper.

I’m now waiting for my FoodPanda lunch delivery – Hainanese Chicken Rice set from a restaurant nearby. Lucy and I could’ve walked there, of course, but this is Singapore and if you’ve never been here, you have no idea how assaultive the weather can be at this time of the day. Well, at any time of the day, actually.

I can smell it… Mumma!!!

Please, mumma?

While waiting, I played the “waiting game” with Lucy – I place a treat near her nose, and tell her to “wait”. She must not touch the treat until I say, “Okay!” She is a good girl, even when it’s her favourite cheesy biscuit! Now, Lucy has moved to the day bed and she is chewing on her Venison ear. I am listening to the rhythmic crunching, munching and gnawing sounds she is making. It’s all music to my ears, even the squeaky juicy sounds emanating from the air-conditioning sounds pleasant. All is good and clement. Just Lucy and me here. Clement Space for Two.

Oh, is that the FoodPanda guy now? I hear his motorbike downstairs in the carpark.

Hainanese Chicken Rice set with KaiLan and soy sauce egg.

This one is for you, Rick. In memory of our Saturday noshments! Have a dogly weekend down under and say hello to Paddo from us.