wobbly

Musing on a puff.

Uncertainty is wobbly. It tastes like stale reflux from mushrooms. A purplish-brown. An insistent low howl in the ear. Not pleasant at all. Wobbly. With no known cadential resolution in sight. Even the seemingly random reflections of nature contain discernible patterns, and comforting pulsations of regularity, order and organisation.

The autistic brain is not bosom friends with uncertainty. In fact, this quivering gelatinous dynamic mass often creates unnecessary mental, emotional and physical grief for the autist. It is a contentious point that creates friction between the autistic and non-autistic neurocultures.  Continue reading

bff or wtf?

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Are you offended by my expressions and paradigms of love? Have you ever stopped to wonder if I may be hurt by yours too? What are the different paradigms for connectivity and forming interpersonal bonds? How do we each express attachment and intimacy? Do we ever ask ourselves these question when we interact with friends? How about friends we have known for decades? Continue reading

escape!

Four months inside sensory hell. Enough is enough. Time to exit. Escape.

Packing. Sorting. Throwing out. Selling. More packing. Ordering food and treats for Lucy. Oh, a new bed of her own, and don’t forget the supplements too! Packing for Lucy as well.

Finally, it’s time to say goodbye.

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Exiting Hell

Continue reading

forbearance

Lucy teaches me forbearance. Underneath soft, gentle, wordless eloquence, there is a strength of tolerant composure, like a determined, relentless spring, flowing inexorable. How much or little cognisant she may be about the goings on of my humanity? Her demeanour remains steadfast in graceful and gracious equanimity. Upon what is based such sangfroid? I have little intellectual grasp, despite musing endlessly upon this pulchritude.

No matter where I go with her. She remains Lucy Like-a-Charm.

Rushing to an appointment at the UNSW Galleries. In our Uber ride, she lies beside me all the way. At the cafe, a hurried lunch. Lucy waits on her rug, her eyes focused on me, despite the busy feet walking back and forth around her. The cafe owner, wonderful kind Massimo, offers us a quieter space, but I am in a hurry, so I decline. I’ll just gobble down my food pronto! When I have finished, her eyes tell me she is ready and waiting. How is this so? Continue reading

quest

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Lucy Like-a-Charm, my Canine Angel & Muse

Yesterday, I received the wonderful news that my PhD award is confirmed! The above photograph was taken a few seconds after reading the congratulatory email from my supervisor. I wanted to capture in a little visual document a snippet of the much larger and cogent moment embedded inside our very ordinarily extraordinary co-existence. Just Lucy and me, inside a cocoon of Clement Space.

I am extremely relieved, and grateful. Yes. Gratitude is the overwhelming emotion right now. Where I am at present is merely yet another part of an intimate adventure that I hope somehow manages to emanate some oases of ‘shared wonderment’ along the way. Continue reading

sticky notes

A grey, damp morning for Day 4 of our little retreat.

Some ‘sticky notes’ to remind me of life, and little clemencies…

Someone to watch over me. Lucy by my side.

Muesli. Yes. The ability to eat this crunchy, texturally eclectic and considerably challenging concoction is testament to being alive.

The view of green by my temporary workspace. It is not spectacular, unlike the “million-dollar-view” of the bay and the water, but it represents respite to me.

And Lucy. Always. Lucy.

voicing the voice

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Off to face the world!

It began foggy, damp and cold. We lay in bed, unwilling to emerge from under our warm cocoon. Angel alarm has not been working for some time now. Is it her age? No matter, mumma’s turn to take over the waking up process.

All quiet, apart from the whirring of traffic and birdsong – absolute bliss. No anxious listening out for grating vocalisations and cling-clang-slam of doors etc, planning the morning dash to kitchen and bathroom to avoid having our morning peace cruelly interrupted. Or destroyed. Continue reading

support

This article is gold. It describes my own struggle succinctly without fanciful embellishment.

Here, in this video, Sonia gives an excellent summary of what I am facing right now. Thank you. This is why I keep reiterating the need for support and concrete help, though the neurotypical world tends not to understand the import of need, because they see only the autist’s ability to function pretty remarkably in the normative realm, and hence the juxtaposed disabilities are not discernible to the normative way of perceiving and analysing information.

In short, the world does need all kinds of minds!

clement comforting

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“When you spend time getting to know an Autistic person you find many different sensitivities and physical supports that enable that person’s comfort. Communication won’t be possible without first understanding this primary dynamic. Once you demonstrate that you understand these sensitivity needs respectfully, you will be able to create safe space for a person to feel comfortable. Comfort must always be put into place before anyone can communicate with you to their best ability.” – kelly @autismhwy

The above quote is a poignant excerpt from this blog post: Communication Breakdown

This seems like ‘common sense,’ that is, allowing a person (any person) to feel comfortable within innate native frameworks in order to ‘draw’ the person ‘out’ into communication with Other. Continue reading