This morning, my precious Octopus mug handle was broken by the cleaning lady. It was a gift from a dear friend, bought from a little shop in Covent Garden in London, and it’s traveled with me across many cities and different continents through its 30+ years of existence in my care. Intact. Today, I felt a part of me had fragmented together with the demise of this innocuous object. I can hear the neuronormative puffing and huffing, “Come on, it’s just a mug handle, get over it!”
Well, I am Autistic. I used to become intensely disturbed and distressed when someone so much as moved my pencils in my pencil holder. Neuronormative ‘expert’ observers of Autism label this “meaningless” or “obsessive” adherence to order, because we autistics are supposed to be craving some kind of malevolent “control” over our out-of-control environment.
The “out-of-control” part is accurate, but the “control” part is rubbish. What the normative ‘experts’ – professionals making good money out of us in the autism domain, and normative-minded parents spending a lot of money on non-autistic devised autism ‘interventions’ – do not know, and/or are not ready yet to want to know despite us autistics telling and telling them (though this is changing slowly) is that many hyper sensory Autistics like myself inhabit a realm that is far more exquisite than the noisome pestilence-filled domain called “normality”. We are connected to the vibrant matter around us in ways that normative minds may never be able to grasp, even some Autistics who’ve been so successfully brainwashed and ‘corrected’ by various behavioural mental programmes into becoming pseudo normatives, because they have sadly lost touch with this beautiful part of their embodied existence.
You see, this “just a mug handle” is part of the finely balanced, natural elemental ecology that I call my intimate abode. It’s not that kind of bizarre Svengali-like “control” that the normative minded pronounce us to have. Perhaps, because normativity can only understand this limited concept? Instead, it is a harmonious, gentle, generous, rich and grace-filled connection one small detail with another, molecule by molecule, whisper to whisper, heartbeat to heartbeat, that embraces us. If one component is out of place, or crushed by violent normative callousness, then the entire living ecology cries out in pain. Imagine, if your finger were crushed or cut off, will not the rest of your body scream and thrash? Why, then, are we Autistics punished for our intimate connections just because the normative have no such inkling of Being? (I’ve explained this in my PhD dissertation, under “elemental empathy” – please visit my official website if you want to read and learn more.)
“Get over it!” – sure, I shall, in time. But your finger… you know, that part of you?… if I break it, how soon will you “get over it”?
Executive function failure: I was unable to even insert money properly into my wallet after that incident. My heartbeat is going at a racing pace, the over-exerted organ pounding against my ribcage as if it is trying to escape. I am sitting next to Lucy, inhaling her comforting aura – which includes aroma, fragrance, physical and spiritual radiation – trying to calm down.
Today was supposed to be my rest day, I allocated time to do peaceful, restful, rejuvenating tasks that are for me, by me and help me to recover from having to comply and perform to the excruciating demands of neuronormativity in the last few weeks and months. I have to try and make the most of it now. With a part of me, and extension of my Being, violently shattered.
Wouldn’t you guard your fingers and toes if you’re working and living in an assaultive environment? That’s just what us Autistics are trying hard to do. Yet, you intervene with your behavioural therapies to force us into a catatonic state of numbness and disconnect with our most beautiful modalities. Dear Normative / Allistic people, please don’t punish us Autistics for your own lack of sensitivity and connectivity.
Who is empathy impaired now?