Christmas fatigue. OK, I have to admit that I absolutely love the food – and festivities always means food, food, and more glorious sensorially titillating food! But… The grand effort of ‘performing-the-neurotypical’ and pushing physical limitations to the hilt across too many consecutive days have finally got the better of me.
A lifetime of coercion, repression and oppression to ‘perform the unnatural as naturally as possible’ – i.e. mimicking social neurotypicality just because that is the ‘right’ thing to do and no other social approach is acceptable – has left me with permanent, chronic fatigue from denial of the social Self, yet this synthetic, almost exhaustingly ersatz fluency in Other-speak has become a part of me. The Social-Other persona feels like a cosmetic surgical procedure, a nose or breast implant, perhaps? And the unfolding is now, after five decades of relentless performance, a naturally unnatural extension. Original tissue is scarred beyond repair – the only way forward is to recognize, reaffirm, and revisit Social-Self all over again.
No longer an external imposition – I am now free from the obnoxious despotic dictates of Ghosts and Demons from the past – yet, the elemental matter of Being has already formed an ecological co-existence with its artificial insertions. Violent removal will leave a void, and who knows, may even result in more harm than good. I need o now find a gentle equilibrium.
I think of Paul Klee’s arduous journey towards finding the inner child in his artistic expression, and I finally understand why I have always felt a resonant connection with Klee and his work. My favourites are his Angels, of course.
Dynamic direction lies ahead, not backwards. Ever evolving, like a rich luscious tapestry. The odyssey has been clement despite the struggle, the hand of Grace somehow always reaching into the raging tsunami at the crucial moments.
It takes all kinds of minds working in reciprocity to make our world a better place. My friends are my bulwarks of strength. They let me be Me, so long as I learn how ask for that space (which is a skill in itself that I now need to practice).
Today, crashing in bed with Lucy, away from all social interactional duties, I am un-performing the abnormal normality, undressing the normal anomaly, and allowing Lucy to show me the way to just Being.
What a wonderful feeling it is!
Try it, regardless of your neurological construct. I highly recommend the indulgence.