clemency

Lucy

Relief, clemency, gratitude. 

Struggling hard to overcome sensory overload in the last two days, and internal mental and emotional turmoil triggered by foolishly indulging in time wasting activity. Two days ago, thinking that I was exercising empathy and helping someone in need, I failed to make the distinction between sympathy and accurate empathic judgement. I sympathized overly, without understanding that the situation was not as dire as the spoken verbal description. An autistic literal minded slip. The resultant battle was not merely sensory, but also internalized anger and frustration: I felt a fool to fall for neurotypical socially-driven verbal and interactional dramatics, expending precious and scarce energy and time on a mission that was not as expedient as I thought it to be, suffering meltdown afterwards, and then wasting more time in effortful mitigation to calm the overwrought senses and emotions. Of course, focus on work suffered miserably as a result, which created more anger and frustration, kicking off a vicious cycle.

Last night, despite having had a more kind day of some work and slowly regaining some equilibrium and momentum, I had a very rough night, filled with nightmares and heart pounding anxiety. Lucy cuddled close, and each time I awoke from sleep-startle, I found her licking my hand gently. However, the dull, damp and cold depression of the morning has been alleviated by some very excellent news I received in the email, that a difficult conundrum is now officially resolved. Many very kind and supportive people were behind this concerted effort to help me. I am quite overcome with gratitude now. And relief. Such clemency and affirmation!

Gratitude helps to engulf and cushion the harshness of struggle.

I posted this little bit of babble on my Facebook today, accompaniment to that photo that speaks so much more eloquently than I ever could.

Aspie ruminations on a damp, cold but joyous morning:

The journey is gentler.
Love that does not judge.
Loyalty that will not switch allegiance.
Who are my family?
Not necessarily those bound by blood ties,
Though some still do exist that bind beautifully.
Family, now, is a Greyhound,
a couple of genuine family members,
and a few faithful friends.
Traveling light…
Less is best!

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