Struggling to tune out the overwhelming heaviness of evil in the world. There is nothing I can do about it, and the news of it is crushing and incapacitating me. I also need to sieve out extraneous disturbing crackle and pop that distracts me from my purpose and holds me down.
Impossible? Yes. I know. Nevertheless, I will try.
The final inspirational / driving trigger for my current determination, this sudden spurt of resolute intent?
A good friend of mine had a nasty experience in our lovely, almost idyllic neighbourhood that reeks of the times we live in.
An innocent indulgent urge for cookies. An innocuous foray. A 7eleven shop. A casual remark to the cashier, an expression of microcosmic grief at the macrocosmic explosion of monstrous atrocity. A reference to and expression of grief at the terrible incident in Paris a few days ago. Then a shocking (yet unsurprising) rejoinder. The reply from the man behind the counter was soft, the meaning was ominous: how sad, that the two men had nothing to eat for two days, before they were killed (by the authorities). Sympathy expressed. Empathy, yes, but not for the victims. Two opposing views, my friend’s and that of the man behind the counter – antithetical expressions of solidarity and grief.
A frightening implication. One which speaks volumes for itself, and which I do not need to elaborate upon (nor do I have the verbal semantic capability to do so at this point of time).
The burden is enormous.
It is time… for me… to execute a set of two contrasting but not antithetical actions.
First steps, practical, unemotional ones.
Pull myself out of all rubbishy advertising email lists and reminders, most of them telling me to buy stuff I do not need.
Remove myself from potentially damaging social situations – in my case, two basic types of people: 1. Those who adamantly adhere to extremist views of one kind or another. No, I do not mean just the white-supremist-bigots, these are, to me, far more obvious and thus somewhat more benign than the LaLaLanders who believe themselves to be the forerunners for the New World Order of Goodness, spouting theologies that they then try to ram down my unwilling throat, no matter that I am choking and sputtering and turning blue from near asphyxiation as a result of their efforts at proselytising. I do not need LaLaLa-ness in my sphere to mess with my mind and make me feel sick to the core, yet unable to put a finger on that particular brand of nausea; and 2. Unreliable people – like the lady who came to babysit Lucy but scuttled off before I returned home, leaving Lucy alone, and the balcony door wide open! This lady was whingeing about not having enough money, being on an old age pension, and needing to earn some pocket money dog walking and dog sitting etc blah. I thought I’d help her by paying her to babysit Lucy in my home for just one afternoon, for four hours, to be precise, while I went out shopping for necessities. Well, she came late, and left early, without making sure my baby was safe. Never again. Time wasters. She subsequently sent me numerous texts wanting to “catch up”, then asking for yet more favours, and offering to buy me coffee in return. Erm, nope, I don’t need free coffee, and I sure as hell don’t need to waste any more time on rubbish connections.
Herein, a more emotionally and sensorially connected set of actions. I need to re-connect, to captivate my hungry, starving senses, and once more plunge into proximal creativity. The purely intellectual pursuit can be draining, heavily weighing, like dark, cold, dampness. The world of sensory engrossment beckons and I yearn to find revival therein: touching, smelling, tasting, hearing, seeing from different physical perspectives.
Engaging with physicality – sensory resonance with material, ‘making’ with my hands what my mind and soul designs, concretising, interacting with palpable objects via repetition, pattern, system – all these help mitigate the effects of fear and anxiety. In fact, for me, being able to “indulge” these channels actually directly addresses the propensity for anxiety itself. When I am relaxed, fulfilled, locked inside the innerworld of “good,” I am of course recuperating, renewing and reinventing Selfness in positive ways. The volatile mental looping of negatives dissipates, taken over by the helix of positive tangible assignations.
Keep things simple. Just these three objectives for now. They may sound easy, but for me, due to a complex confluence of myriad factors, they will require some hard work and staunch perseverance to achieve well. Once more, I shall look to Lucy for guidance – the Greyhound focus is something autistics have in common with dogs, if only I could master the shedding of learned NT (neurotypical) overly social-centred behaviour and refocus on what is innately in me to do. I now need to harness the intrinsic Self, and discard the cloak of Other – for my own well-being and the path ahead.
Bunny and Lucy Go, Go, Go!