The feeling of sensory overload and physical malaise refuses to leave me. I woke up this morning with swirling dizziness, nausea and a low throbbing aching all over, leftovers from yesterday and the day before and the days before that. I am not being fanciful when I say that Lucy is the only one that gets me up in the mornings these days. I am so lucky to have my Angel with me.
Work has, of course, been slow. Frustratingly slow. I become more and more anxious and agitated when I am unable to work.
When I heard the good news about Panda being in a good home at last, I rejoiced, but I was also plunged into depression at the same time. The thought of that particular someone capitalising on the horrific tragic accident of an innocent beautiful loving dog like Panda, to cheat others, pierced through me like a jagged spear, and filled the air with a strong stench of rot. A remark made by another Aspie provided a poignant and penetrating perspective to this debacle: that poor Panda had to suffer weeks of pain and fear, she had to lose a leg, just to make some money ($900 raised via her online Funrazr, plus cash directly placed in her hands by gullible trusting people like myself and God alone knows how many others) for that con artist? Someone may well remind me that in third world countries, there are awful people who deliberately maim very young children in order to beg in the streets. Well, yes, but this is not an impoverished third world country, and the perpetrator is still out and about, waddling around the same neighbourhood, not a care for the carnage she has wreaked, while the foolish humans she has conned just fume and simmer in a kind of surreal comedic silence. You know, the kind of polite hush as imposed by neurotypical social constructs? This is something so many autistics just cannot understand about neurotypical society. The plastic, brittle falsehood, the absurd supercilious morality while shielding evil doers in the name of urbane diplomacy. “Shhh! You mustn’t say that out loud!” has been repeatedly drummed into many an autistic person’s consciousness from childhood, so much so that most of us who wish to survive in this farcical neurotypical social world have had to learn to comply. Unwillingly, perhaps, but still, comply we must, or we shall be frowned upon. Neurotypical society hate people who speak the awkward truth, it seems, and we are called ‘whistleblowers’ at best, a derogatory label.
Frankly, now that I know Panda is in safe and decent hands, I no longer plead for karmic clemency. If Karma is out there, please feel free to kick butt. Thank you. Since I am not allowed to kick anyone, I have no choice but to hope that Karma exists and does a decent job of it.
Nevertheless, we soldier on. Lucy and I. We went to my art studio this morning, despite my nausea and dizziness, because I just have to get some things done. I had to mentally push through the physical pain and just drag myself through the day. It paid off to a certain extent. Poor Lucy didn’t want to get up the bus again. Perhaps her favourite driver wasn’t on duty? I don’t know, but I admit I just had to be a bit stricter than usual and basically lifted her into the bus using the sturdy Ruffwear harness, without any fussing. She doesn’t like the bus ride, I know, but I cannot right now afford a car of our own. My baby girl has to soldier on alongside her mumma. We have to be tough girls.
Food helps. Again, I indulged. On the way home, I decided to luxuriate in takeaway instead of cooking. The Southern Wok cafe near the shuttle bus stop has a great Southern Chinese menu. So much tastier too than the Mamak Village in the lower part of campus. Though I must say that the staff are lovely at both outlets. As we said goodbye and were walking out, I heard two of the ladies there remark in Cantonese what a good girl Lucy was, how placid and obedient. Aww, I was beaming with pride, my ears were sizzling!
I even managed to do a bit of writing, but the dizziness and nausea came on very strong, so I curled up in bed with my baby for a little snooze. Then we had an invigorating later afternoon walk. On our return, I was inspired to make tapioca balls for bubble tea, and even rolled up a few chewy large ones with embedded blobs of palm sugar, my version of naked Ondeh Ondeh!
The underlying frustration, fear and anxiety is there. I am very disturbed about not being able to work full steam as I want to. My brain is bursting with all kinds of wriggly worms, but my body cannot endure the process. Nausea, dizziness. Aching. And my eyes begin to hurt after a short while. Like now. And I need to stop. Here.
But… The Bunny and Lucy will keep on keeping on! Tomorrow is another day.