Anxiety is at the forefront these days. The problem with anxiety, which is especially marked in people with autism, is that once it is triggered, it takes on a life of its own and sort of just runs amok. The visual image playing in my mind right now is of me, in a fuchsia T shirt and bright red shorts and my moss green suede sneakers, running crazily after anxiety, who has taken the form of a black roadrunner like bird creature with huge wings and a disturbing cackling laugh. Anxiety is running amok, and there I am, a silly figure, dashing around trying to catch it and subdue it! Madness!
Well, I have made a right ass of myself as a result. I was wondering when it would happen, and now it has.
A ripe example of what they call the “domino effect” indeed. Take hypersensory over stimulation to the point of near meltdown, add a generous splash of high anxiety, stir vigorously until the mixture forms goopy lumps of painful throbbing neuropathy in the lower limbs and shoulders, then throw in with generous force liberal splatters of stored negative memories from bad experiences, and shoot the entire concoction with a shotgun. The shit hits the fan, and the brain jumps to erroneous conclusions.
I acted in haste as a result, and wrote two tension-filled emails to different people about something I was expecting to receive but did not receive. The sender did not supply clear information, and I was too embarrassed to ask, and so I wrongly thought that the item had been misplaced by a historically disorganised, careless and callous person (a record earned from past experience, because she repeatedly failed to do her job decently and treated others with disrespect). I wrote one distressed email to that person, asking for my item, and another distressed email to another person who had a similarly poor experience to rant. Then guess what? The sender finally sends me the information I needed, and there was messy pie on my face. So, I wrote another two emails to the same two people, to say I had made a silly mistake and to apologise.
Beautifully done, crazy Aspie chick! But I am not particularly cut up about it, I am just chuckling at how silly I am. And on a more sober note, it is a clear indication to me that I need to resolve certain outstanding issues so as to reduce the anxiety.
I do like that prayer by Robert Niebuhr:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.